TOM FRANCIS
REGRETS THIS ALREADY

Conversations With Strangers

Update! Some great conversations from the comments added to the bottom of this post (now with moar!)

Last night Waxy.org linked a service called Omegle, which instantly puts you in a one-on-one chat with an anonymous stranger. I tried it.

I said it “Supposedly” did this when I linked it on Twitter, because I thought it might be a bot coded to randomly insult people, as a joke on the stereotype that people on the internet are twats.

After three conversations, that was still my prevailing theory.

For my fourth, I decided to try and break the pattern by acting like an utter dick first.

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I HATE YOU!
Stranger: my head hurts :'(
Stranger: don’t be rude i’m sensitive
You: I thought I’d try being the crazy one.
Stranger: thanks, asshole
You: Any… any time?
You: Maybe all the crazy people I talked to were trying the same thing.
Stranger: you’re an inconsiderate jerk
Stranger: what’s your favorite animal
You: This one: http://mfrost.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2009/03/29/otter2.jpg
Stranger: why did you already have that link open and ready, you’re a fucking freeak.
Stranger: WTF
Stranger: THAT’S CUTE
Stranger: LOL

A pause.

You: Did that make your head any better?
Stranger: temporarily, yes
Stranger: thank you for your kind gestures………

I had to admit that it probably wasn’t a bot after all. Which suddenly made starting new conversations strangely compulsive.

Stranger: Jesus loves you
You: I’m just not that into him.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: z
You: zz
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Stranger: o herd u liek
Stranger: consensual sex in the missionary position?
You: Yep.
Stranger: hm
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Rah!
Stranger: hello stranger
You: Hello.
Stranger: male/female?
You: I like to start conversations the way I imagine godzilla would.
You: Male.
Stranger: excellent
You: The godzilla thing or the male thing?
Stranger: bothhhhhhhhhh
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You: Hi. I reckon your favourite colour is blue.
Stranger: I reckon it aint.
You: Oh. What is it?
Stranger: My favorite colour is red
Stranger: yours?
You: Probably green.
Stranger: well that tells me alot about your personality.
You: Oh yeah? Red suggests to me that you’re an angry man.
Stranger: quite the contrary
Stranger: a passionate woman
You: I say.

Both Steve and Meteoracle shared shots of their conversations with wildly unhinged racists, and Steve inexplicably turned down an offer of sex with a robot. But one of my favourites was actually recounted to me by someone I was talking to on Omegle at the time:

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: please don’t disconnect
Stranger: i love you

J-Man:

Amusingly I was talking to a 14 year old girl, and she asked if I was single. I said yes, and she told me it was because I talk to 14 year old girls on the internet.

You: Your appointment to FEMA should be finalized within the week. I’ve already discussed the matter with the Senator.
Stranger: hi!
Stranger: whut?
You: He didn’t really have a choice.
Stranger: who did’nt…
You: When I mentioned we could put him on the priority list for the Ambrosia vaccine, he was so willing it was almost pathetic
Stranger: you did’nt kill him did you?
You: Why contain it? Let it spill over the schools and churches, let the bodies pile up in the streets. In the end they’ll beg us to save them.
Stranger: Lets see… I’m actually kind in to that
You: They can smell their deaths, and the sound they’ll make rattling their cages will serve as a warning to the rest.
Stranger: i love it
You: The world left them behind long ago. We are the future.
Stranger: lets kill m all
You: Our biochem corpus is far in advance of theirs, as is our electronic sentience, and their… ‘ethical inflexibility’ has allowed us to make progress in areas they refuse to consider.
Stranger: true… true
You: But, I must admit, I’ve been somewhat disappointed with the performance of the primary unit.
Stranger: Well, mine is work. dont know about yours?
You: We’ve had to endure much, you and I, but soon there will be order again. A new age. Aquinas spoke of the mythical city on the hill, soon that city will be a reality and we will be crowned its kings. Or, better than kings… gods.
Stranger: I’m not sure if we should become what we want to be. The goverment is lying about the fact that they will support us. Who will tell?
You: All right. I get the picture. You want a piece of the pie, or you’re going to toss the whole pie out the window. Fair enough. You can have anything you want. How about Europe? Your own continent. Just let me complete my preparations.
Stranger: Go ahead. let my see
You: What an expensive mistake you turned out to be. I’ve ordered the troops to kill you, because quite frankly I don’t have the patience to wait for one of those damn killswitches to work.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

EGTF

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: oh its you! hows it been goin?
You: Oh my it’s you too!
You: Very well
You: How’ve things been since we last spoke?
Stranger: fag
Stranger: go die in a fire
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Ush:

Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: *guitar riff* hello
Stranger: *drum roll* FUCK YOU
You: *thousands of people shouting at once* Well thats not polite
Stranger: *people who care* What
You: *a dozen horses screaming in unison* i mean you could have said “hi”
Stranger: * A 1000 orphans crying * I’m Sorry let me start again HI
You: *wind-up monkeys clanging together* Thats better, see? not so hard to be civil
Stranger: *Loud noises* are you from a forum
You: *the laughter of children remixed* Oh no, nasty dirty places they are.
You: *cello solo in an empty hall* where are you from?
Stranger: * 200 african americans* they are nice places to meet new friends
Stranger: *400 cups of tea clanking* im from britain
You: *trumpets blaring* i am from a country quite close to britain
Stranger: *I have ran out of noises* france?
You: *coins hitting a marble floor from a height* nope!
You: *sheet metal being torn* To be honest Im not going to say.
Stranger: * strange gruntiing noises* sweeden
Stranger: * fecal matter hitting porcelain* why
You: *discordant flutes* nope! because I am a naturally paranoid person. whats it like out where you are?
Stranger: * children crying* awful but the weather is getting better
You: *The worlds largest fishbowl being tapped with a hollow iron bar* ’twas a lovely day here! I say, do you like tea?
Stranger: *N/A* No
You: *echoing footsteps* Thats a shame. There is a lot to be enjoyed with a good cup of tea.
You: *A heifer in heat* Take Earl Gray, for example.
Stranger: to be honest i have never had a full cup of tea
You: *Steam whistle* You really should try one you know. Take Earl Gray, for instance.
You: *The dark hum of space* Strong and refreshing like regular tea, but with a hint of lemon that affects your pallette in a completely different way…
Stranger: I see
Stranger: anyway i best be off chap
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT:

You: >Ye see before ye a SWAMP
You: >What wouldst thou do?
You: >
Stranger: FUCK YOUR MOTHER.
You: >You approach the fearsome FUCK YOUR MOTHER, brandishing your sword.
You: >The FUCK YOUR MOTHER attacks!
Stranger: SUCK MY DICK, FUCK YOUR MOTHER
You: >FIGHT >ITEMS >FLEE
Stranger: >FLEE
You: >You cannot escape! The FUCK YOUR MOTHER is far too large!
Stranger: >ITEMS
Stranger: >ITEMS
Stranger: >ITEMS
Stranger: >ITEMS
Stranger: >ITEMS
You: >You open up your SATCHEL to ruffle through your ITEMS. You have with you a BANANA, a MICK’S TAPE, and a SMALL ROCK. What woudst thou do?
Stranger: >use BANANA to FUCK YOUR MOTHER
You: >You throw your mighty BANANA at the fearsome FUCK YOUR MOTHER, who falls writhing to the ground in agony.
You: >You have defeated the FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
Stranger: FUCK YEAH!
You: >You gain three experience points, and the TOE OF THE FUCK YOUR MOTHER.
You: >Ye see before ye a SWAMP
Stranger: >QUIT
You: >NO ESCAPE
Stranger: oh shi-
You: >YOU SHALL PLAY FOREVER

Kadir:

You: go
Stranger: get
You: a
Stranger: great
You: big
Stranger: fucking
You: bunch
Stranger: of
You: pickles
Stranger: that
You: smell
Stranger: like
You: they
Stranger: were
You: about
Stranger: to
You: go
Stranger: have
You: a
Stranger: flight
You: of
Stranger: greatness
You: to
Stranger: alpha
You: centari
Stranger: to
You: find
Stranger: ender
You: and
Stranger: his
You: huge
Stranger: influential
You: admired
Stranger: sister
You: who
Stranger: wrote
You: about
Stranger: the
You: war
Stranger: let’s stop right now and agree we need to be friends, okay??